Recently my oldest daughter had surgery (she is doing wonderful), during this process my ex-husband was around for the week helping to take care of her and our other kids which was wonderful and extremely helpful to all of us. At the end of the week, my daughter was getting well and I didn’t need his help, so we went back to the usual routine but I was a bit caught off guard when I started feeling really sad and mad. After I had my emotional melt down, getting the emotional energy out, I realized just how much I miss having someone in my life. The emotional and physical presence of my ex hit me hard, I realize that from the gut of my soul, I really want a good man in my life, I truly do.
So then comes another light bulb… There is a man that I have a crush on, and in my own logic I am picking everything apart trying to find all the faults and reasons why it can’t work, therefor it can’t possibly be right for me. Here is where I caught myself… To much logic is a bitch, and no matter who the man is, my mind picks it apart, analyzing the situation to it’s death. Here is the truth, these thoughts have nothing to do with men, they apply to what I really think about myself… I am not good enough and my circumstances are just not right.
In the past it’s been really easy for me to take something worth while and flush it down the drain, mostly because that was all I really knew what to do, RUN! I do have to say that in some situations, running away is the right thing, but now that I find myself around healthier men, the running away instinct isn’t helping me out much. Now on a side note, all this being said, not every good man is the right man so sometimes parting ways is just part of the process. Back to my point, I don’t like rejection, it hurts. To me in the past it was just another confirmation of my own belief that I am still not good enough. Today if I am not careful, my head will play that game with me. But that’s bullshit.
I’ve heard time and time again that if you want something in life you have to become it. And it never really hit me up until now, if I am looking for committed, loving, honest, financial stability, healthy, motivated, inspiring… I can’t expect to strive for anything less than those qualities within myself. Well, to be honest, I am still developing a lot of these qualities for myself so even trying to date at a “higher level” still freaks me out. Have you ever heard that saying, “Reach for the moon even if you miss you will still catch a star”? Well I feel like I am reaching for the clouds and then falling in the mud. It really is that fear of rejection that I struggle to let go of. Even being in the mud is somewhat comforting, in this spot, I am comfortable not having to push myself to grow…. But then again, mud is mud and at some point, it weighs me down.
I read in a book that the faster we get through rejection, we get to a yes and can have what we truly desire… And you know what, today I actually believe that to be true. Somewhere in the middle of “rejection” is growth for me, the opportunity to see my truths and find acceptance in change or appreciating who I am … and the ability to know I am perfect right now, today… Today I am just as God wants me to be and so is everyone else. Which means I can look at myself with unconditional love and in turn look at you the same way and know that it’s not about rejection, it’s giving myself unconditional love as I change into the woman I really want to be so that I can have the man in my life that I really need.
Along the way, part of my journey is going to be disappointment, but if I shut myself down, these experiences will not be part of my growth, this isn’t permission to act recklessly, but to be open to the experiences necessary to get me to where I am going. For me, I have to keep learning that “rejection” is not a bad word, it’s a term used to say keep moving forward, grow, this is not what is meant for you…. It also means I am living and experiencing life, that I am alive and opening myself up to feel. SO as I have gotten honest with myself and realized my true desire to have a real partnership in life, I have to embrace what it is going to take to get there, including rejection.